Once upon a time there was a Fat Toad who sat at the very top of the highest hill of a Kingdom. He had very few neighbors at that great height, but those he did have were all male toads like him.
His view was one of beauty and wealth that incited never-ending desire, and when he looked down from his high precipice, he spied many objects of desire.
Like all Fat Toads, this Fat Toad had dry leathery skin, warts, short legs, crests behind his eyes, and parotoid glands to salivate over the objects of his desire.
Though his subjects included Gent Foxes, it was the lovely Maiden Foxes that were paraded before him, each hoping that her hunting skills for the best sycophantic guests and her cleverness in distorting the truth would please him enough to be invited to become a citizen of his Kingdom. Only those Maiden Foxes with the most beautiful physical attributes were invited to become citizens of his Kingdom, with initiation rites that included their pledged loyalty to his absolute power over them.
But the Fat Toad did not find pleasure in the Maiden Foxes’ hunting skills nor deceptive cleverness. He only found pleasure in the sleekness of their form, the shine of their pelts, the brightness of their eyes, and the shapeliness of their legs.
When the Maiden Foxes would try to impress the Fat Toad with their cunning and talents, he waved his Fat Toady hand in dismissal and instead demanded that they rise before him to display their physical prowess and beauty. It was only these traits that pleased his senses and fueled his lust.
Nevertheless, the chosen Maiden Foxes toiled to put their prowess on display, even as they were forced to cross their shapely legs and exhibit their perfect teeth, because only then was the Fat Toad appeased.
Most often in the Spring, when toads do breed, the Fat Toad would retreat to the glistening pools of water that surrounded his Kingdom, and begin calling females. To do this, he stretched out his dewlap, the fat and ugly pouch at his throat, to trill a song that would summon the Maiden Foxes to his cozy realm.
He would drool all over them, and then exert his unquestioned power to force them to do his bidding. The Maiden Foxes would afterwards descend from the top of the Kingdom, down to their lowly lairs, where they would silently lick their wounds and ready for the next encounter with the Fat Toad; for to do otherwise would mean banishment from the Kingdom that fed their families and their egos.
One Spring day in the year of our Lord 2016, a Maiden Fox who was one of the most beautiful in the Kingdom was summoned to the Fat Toad’s glistening hilltop pond. Several seasons before, she had been cast off her rock in the sun and pushed under a shadowy tree when she ran away from the Fat Toad’s sticky finger pads. The years passed, and she inched her way out of the shadows into the sun, only to find herself in the Fat Toad’s sites again.
But this time, the Maiden Fox refused to be bullied by the Fat Toad. Instead, she bared her fangs and raised her hackles, then reached into her Birkin and retrieved her ever-handy mirror, which she held up to him and declared, “You cannot command me to do your bidding! You are nothing but an ugly, Fat Toad!”
Back into the lower chambers of the Kingdom she descended, but she did not lick any wounds; for though she suffered humiliation, she had otherwise escaped unscathed.
But from that humiliation rose a great anger, and she vowed to topple the Fat Toad from his high perch. She growled out her grievances at the top of her lungs, until the volume of her roar reached every corner of the Kingdom.
Other Maiden Foxes, who had long despised the Fat Toad for his demeaning demands, climbed out of their lairs and entered the battle field to stand next to the brave Maiden Fox. They took up their loquacious swords and inflicted wounds onto the Fat Toad, slice by slice, until he was left bloody and crippled.
No number of denials and lies, which had always served him well, could resurrect the mortally wounded Fat Toad. Defeated, he was forced to crawl down from his powerful perch as he was pelted in a shower of shame. His place in the Kingdom had toppled, and his power was broken.
But he was a Fat Toad, who had gotten that way because all toads are predators and they eat a lot, and they will eat just about anything that fits in their mouths. So the Fat Toad stuffed his jaws with forty million insects, spiders, earthworms, snails and slugs that would ensure that he would always be among the fattest of toads. For Fat Toads are known to remarkably adaptable, and this Fat Toad, though older, uglier and wartier than ever, would certainly adapt.
And did the now-liberated Maiden Foxes pledge to Tell the Truth forevermore?
Unfortunately, no–that would be a Fairy Tale!